I've been reading Psalm 19 almost daily and have been focusing on the final verse "Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight O Lord, my rock and my redeemer."
I have been trying to pay closer attention to my thought life lately and am realizing how much time I spend on fruitless and wasteful ramblings in my head. For example I found myself the other morning making up arguments with another person in my head over a trivial matter that had occured a few days before. Instead of sleeping I was fretting and creating an inner storm that quite simply didn't need or belong there in my mind. I repented later that the meditation of my heart that morning had not been pleasing to God. I had not focused on what was good and lovely, but instead had indulged in my sinful fantasy where I said what I felt, didn't back down, and thoroughly berated this other person with my words because I was right and they were wrong! Never mind that it was stupid, all made up in my head and counted for exactly nothing.
I'm beginning to become aware of how much I don't actually pay attention to my thoughts. I can wander along and mull something over for a long time before I even realize what I've been doing. And of course the thoughts are usually negative and draw me down into a depressed state. How often are we the makers of our own disaster!
Another chapter I've been studying is Isaiah 55. In verses 6-9 it says "Seek the Lord while he may be found; call upon him while he is near; let the wicked forsake his wy, and the unrighteous man his thoughts; let him return to the Lord, that he may have compassion on him, and to our God for he will abundantly pardon. For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."
I have realized that I sometimes tend to study the Bible in an attitude of "them" and "I". For example when it speaks of the wicked or unrighteous, that would be "them" (and therefore not pertaining to me) and when it speaks of the righteous, that would be for me. But I had to look at this verse again and again to realize that my thoughts are unrighteous which makes me the unrighteous person who needs to forsake her houghts.
In addition or along with all this I have also been earnestly seeking God's wisdom. I want his higher ways and higher thoughts. I am learning through very tough situations that leaning on my own ways and wisdom doesn't work, even when it seems perfectly logical and it ought to work, it doesn't. Yet I still try to keep using it, hoping that someday it will work. And I think my toddler is stubborn.
So once I came to the conclusion that I needed God's wisdom above my own I thought that if I prayed hard enough and asked (begged and whined) long enough I would suddenly get this abundant rush of wisdom and be able to make wise and godly decisions in everything I do from then on. But God is gently and patiently showing me that such is not the case and wasn't it just such thoughts that brought our downfall in the garden? Instead God gives me small wisdom in small things, each and every day. When I am seeking, listening and open to him, he is able to lead and guide me through many small pitfalls which individually may seem insignificant but when combined lead to greater consequences.
For example, just this morning I again was not having thoughts that were not pleasing to God. The meditations of my heart were decidedly "unrighteous." I was grumpy and tired after a poor night's sleep. Jubilee was up at her usual time of 6am (sometimes 5:30) and raring to go. I was feeling resentful of my husband who was sleeping in on his day off.
"I don't get a day off!" I fumed inwardly. "I don't get to sleep in." And I could have gone along this vein for a long time, spiralling rapidly downhill from there. But God in his grace and wisdom allowed me to check myself and my wayward thoughts. And thankfully I listened to Him.
So instead of fuming and and attacking my husband when he did wake up, I decided (only through God's strength and wisdom) to brew a nice pot of coffee for him and make him a delicious hot breakfast. He entered the kitchen only moments after I had made this decision and I turned to him with a smile instead of a frown. He couldn't hide his surprise. The coffee was already going, and I asked if he would like to sit down and watch the PGA live on the internet while I made him breakfast.
He perked straight up and sat down eagerly to watch the game while I handed him a steaming cup of coffee. As I made breakfast I could see him out of the corner of my eye stealing small glances at me over the laptop to see if the "other wife" whom he'd met on similar mornings was going to emerge at any moment.
I'm pleased to say she didn't, and we had a very nice breakfast together as a family and a good start to the day. I know none of this would have been possible without God. And I'm so thankful we had a pleasant morning together instead of an argument and lingering resentment.
The verses that immediately precede the above verse in Psalm 19 say "Who can discern his errors? Declare me innocent from hidden fault. Keep back your servant also from presumptuous sins; let them not have dominion over me! Then I shall be blameless, and innocent of great transgression."
God kept me from presumptuous sins this morning and kept me innocent of what could have been a great transgression with long lasting effects. I'm beginning to see it's the small steps each and every day that make up the whole life and I want my life to be one of love and wisdom and grace, full of the fruits of the spirit and abundant in pleasant memories.
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